2020’s New Year Plan: Pratyahara

As we enter into a new year … a new decade, that is … it seems appropriate to start off with a topic that is missing in many yoga classes. To keep it simple for newcomers I don’t always use the Sanskrit word “pratyahara” to describe what we are doing here at Prakrti Yoga, but whether in asana (physical postures), meditation, yoga nidra, or if we are gathered in Sacred Circle, the first thing I ask is that we all tune into our breath. Then I, in some way, ask them to begin to feel into their body. 

Eventually I see their breath stabilize, coming to slow, steady, full inhalations and exhalations. Next I watch as their body and breath merge into one. I see their facial expressions soften as the mind begins to rest inside the breath and the body relaxes. 

Upon each meeting, as I gently guide them into this state of being fully present in the moment, I trust in each client’s inner wisdom. I trust they will take away any teachings or insights offered throughout our time together. I trust they will learn to connect with their hearts, with their Divine Nature, and learn to live fully in their own truths. I trust they will grow to understand their Dharma, their life purposes. 

I may plan and plan, but as I lead classes and work with clients privately, I tend to turn away from my own agenda and allow Spirit to guide, tuning into my intuition and “hearing” the needs of those sharing my space. However, it is rare that I ever fail to begin anything here without having clients settle into the present moment and turn inward, except with my Young Yogis during which I might put this part of class toward the end after they’ve gotten all the wiggles out!

This is sacred space, and most find it easy to temporarily forget the rest of the world while on the yoga mat or bolster. Yet, I want to be sure that all who enter here, eventually realize that they can withdraw into themselves and away from the chaos of busy lives. I want them to understand that no matter what trauma they have suffered or are currently suffering, they do indeed have the ability to heal. I want them to know that they can shift their mood, reduce anxiety, and get rid of chronic body pain wherever they are.

What my clients are learning by their consistent practice is one of the Eight Limbs of Yoga set forth by the great Patanjali in his Yoga Sutra. The Sutra describes a series of practices along the eight-fold path we bring to action at Prakrti Yoga. Yoga Sutra could be considered life guidelines or codes of morals and ethics in which to bring us into healthier physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, and vibrational health.

Pratyahara is the fifth limb of the Yoga Sutra. It comes from two Sanskrit words, prati meaning “against” or “away” and ahara, which means “food.” In this case, we can refer to ahara as any stimuli we take in and ingest. The essence of pratyahara is “withdrawal of the senses”. Some might describe pratyahara as mindfully filtering what we experience in our outer world.

During pratyahara we make a conscious effort to draw our awareness away from the external world and outside stimuli. We learn to detach from our senses, and direct our attention internally. The practice of pratyahara provides us with an opportunity to step back and take a look at ourselves. This withdrawal allows us to objectively observe our cravings or habits or anything detrimental to our health which likely interferes with our inner growth.

We all have this curiosity to learn more and this drive to do or have more. Many of us are afraid we are going to miss something important or we believe we are too busy to just sit alone for a while in silence and stillness. Perhaps we feel pressure from others or from ourselves to constantly be in motion, working, acquiring material possessions, learning, doing. Yet, we are faced with constant noise – constant stimulation from media, from other people, from multitasking trying to complete a never-ending to-do list. 

After a recent short social media hiatus, I reluctantly showed myself again, in part because I had a studio schedule to post for the week. I felt relieved having had all this extra time to fold laundry and clean the kitchen. I felt happier not comparing my life or my business to others who appear to be more “successful” than me. I felt less jealous and angry this Christmas since I didn’t have to see all those “happy” family photos that were to be thrown in this grieving momma’s face! I was less stressed, and it was so noticeable I seriously thought about deleting my accounts. Except experts seem to believe I need social media for the success of my business. 

I logged on but it wasn’t long before I shifted from my work on the studio’s Facebook page to bragging about my kid on my personal page. Next thing I knew, I was scrolling through my feed to see what I had been missing over the past few days while I was away. Fortunately, I caught myself and stopped before I got too drawn in. I was proud for not spending too much time away from my studies, as I was on a deadline. Soon enough, though, I caught myself with too many Google tabs open to count. While I was studying my Ayurveda assignment, I was reminded that I need to purchase some herbs, which led me to check my suppliers for the best prices, which led me to the sale on essential oils which I also need to restock, which made me remember I need storage containers for my bulk herbs and herbal and EO blends I make for clients. 

Oh … while I’m at it, I don’t like the labels I used last time, so let me just take another minute to see if I can find something more suitable … and oh yeah … which shoes was my son looking at – how much are they? What about those he already ordered – are they still scheduled for delivery on Tuesday?

Wait! I forgot to take my Ashwagandha with warm milk. Since I’m in the kitchen I’ll get my Triphala ready for later, too … Better pee before I get back to studying, but first these dishes need to be loaded and the dishwasher started. 

I wouldn’t say I’m ADHD by nature, but it sounds like it, doesn’t it?! According to Ayurveda, I am of Vata Pitta constitution. Being Vata, I’m highly involved in any and all types of thought processes, I feel a constant need to be busy, and everything seems very important to me. Vata when out of balance makes me feel confused, causes anxiety and fear and causes me to forget to eat, among other things. My Pitta part makes me highly ambitious and extremely driven to get things done … and done properly. No half-@%%ING allowed. That Pitta causes me to get frustrated with myself for not being able to stay on task. If I’m not careful, I find I’m mad at the world because I’ve exhausted myself with my own distractions and imperfections, and I had to stay up later than I intended to get my assignments turned in on time. Pitta becomes imbalanced and I suffer from chronic migraines, body pain, and fever because my fiery nature needs to somehow release. 

Eventually, I did find my way back to my studies. I giggled as I remembered a question a precious friend once asked me. “Do you ever actually get anything done. From where I sit, you look like a cat chasing its tail, always busy but not accomplishing anything.” I hate to admit he was absolutely spot on, but he was. And it prompted me to be more mindfully present in each and every task. 

O.K. so obviously it’s an ongoing practice which most likely I will never master, but it’s one which produces positive outcomes and a less stressed me, so I’ll keep it up.

Recently, there are times when the Kapha in me shows up. Usually it’s during episodes of grief. I feel lazy and unmotivated and just want to sleep and hide from my family and friends. This isn’t a healthy form of withdrawal! That is not pratyahara! It is isolation that leads to depression. 

There are different ways to practice pratyahara, based on whichever of my constitutional attributes comes out of alignment. I have found techniques that help restore my senses, calm my mind, reduce anxiety, and ease depression – even while I sit in the bleachers watching my son play basketball. I’ve learned that I can withdraw from the noise of the crowd and frustration of bad ref calls to settle into my own breath and body. I have learned how to just be there in the “Now Moment”, fully enjoying my son play his sport, not worrying about what we’re going to eat later or if homework will get finished, or if I’ve forgotten anything that day. 

In our studio gatherings, I give all my clients one simple way of withdrawing from over stimulation and overwhelm that they can take out of the studio and into their world. If they come to me for private sessions, however, I offer other ways to withdraw from busyness and chaos – or maybe even their unmotivation if they happen to be Kapha in nature. I offer personalized methods for what they need to help bring them closer to their True Nature.  

Some pratyahara practices I might recommend could include moving the body – focused attention while practicing yoga asana, dancing, running, or lifting weights is a great way to withdraw from sensory overload or things that can cause harm. Taking a break from or performing a full media detox brings your focus back to the things that truly matter, helping to see priorities as they should be. Leaving behind or distancing yourself from other people who bring constant negativity into your life helps clear the mind and emotions of toxicity. Journaling helps you to move inward, or perhaps try gardening. Prayer, meditation and yogic breath control practices are all techniques to move us inward and away from sensory overload and toxic behaviors. 

Going forth into 2020, remember this … Input = Output. 

If you eat only junk food, it’s going to eventually show on your body or in your skin or in your overall health.* The same is true for what you watch on television, see on social media or in the news, words you read in print, music you listen to, with whom you spend time, places you frequent, etc, etc. You are what you eat. You become what your brain is fed. 

Give yourself a break this year. Practice pratyahara.

*(Please Note: No food or body shaming is allowed at Prakrti Yoga! Cheetos have been this eating disorder survivor’s comforting best friend for almost two years now, since the loss of a child.)

Feel free to drop a line to let me know how you practice withdrawing the senses!

Namaste,

Nikki

 

 

Dealing…

Have you ever been told to Suck It Up Buttercup? Or to get over it because someone else has it much worse than you?

How’d that make you feel, as an adult going through something that may have created great despair or pain?

I think phrases such as that are fine to tell our children when they are acting like spoiled brats upon not getting their way. As a matter of fact, I should probably say something like that more!

Appropriate for everyone, though? I’m not so sure.

Two months ago my son committed suicide. I’m having to learn to live without the one who gave me a sense of purpose and a sense of belonging. I’m learning to live without one of my life’s greatest inspirations and teachers.

This passage is for me, to remind myself of my own strength, will, and determination.

Yes, I’m putting myself out there to be judged and criticized, but somewhere I know that there is someone out there, dealing with what they seem they cannot endure, and I pray this reaches them. 

“There’s someone else who has it worse than you.” Yes, that’s true, but please use that phrase with caution unless you really know that to be true. 

A short synopsis of what life has thrown at me…

Anxiety and misdiagnosed dietary/health issues starting very young. Depression and eating disorders by grade 8. Sexually violated and suicidal by 12th. Survived, after feeling unwelcome and unloved by even God during my near death encounter with the Keeper of the Golden Gates. “Not yet. Someday. You still have work to do down there.” Don’t believe in near death experiences? You should.

Unexpected pregnancy by age 19. Keep or abort this baby? Rocky Relationship, but I love him and I already love this little creation with my whole heart. Keep. I might get disowned. But definitely keep. All I’ve ever known for sure is that I want to be a mommy. Easy pregnancy, relationship turned violent. Addiction returned. Had to walk away. Tried unsuccessfully to get back together but then the toughest of love lessons came our way. I had met another who promised the world so please don’t call anymore. Probably not what I really wanted. Probably wanted him to put up a fight, but he listened. If that was my plan it backfired.

Single mom married to someone who hid his true colors well. Marriage was emotionally/financially/spiritually abusive starting day 1. Within a year, became seriously ill in eating disorders and checked into recovery facilities out of state at 84 pounds, after accidentally overdosing on prescribed medications just to try to get some rest and migraine relief. Left my now 4 year old behind. Heart broken.

Worked my butt off to stay healthy and to try to salvage anything left of my so-called marriage. Unsuccessful, but too afraid to leave. Too many threats, another pregnancy with a daughter this time. Yay!! I had been told no more kids, too much damage to my reproductive system.

Where are we going to live, though, now that she’s a toddler?! Don’t have a clue where all the money has gone, but house payment hasn’t been paid. Foreclosure. How did I find out? My aunt saw it in newspaper, and my mom asked me about it. Seriously? This is happening and I’m the LAST to know? What kind of person am I living with?? Found housing, and took over bills to try to dig us out and figure out finances. Hmmm…lots of things don’t make sense and don’t add up. But don’t question it. I’ll regret it if I even consider it. 

The news that Christopher’s father had died turned my inner world upside down. So much I could have done differently. I let it end without even saying I love you. I had lost him, really lost him forever. Could I have helped save him?

Not sure if it was too much stress or all the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds I was on, but I miscarried twins. A boy and a girl. Guess who didn’t care? No support from my husband, so I’ll just keep this one to myself. Most likely no one else will care either. Heavy burden to carry alone. So much sadness and grief and no one knew for years.

New house. New beginnings? Nope. More of the same. Baby boy on his way now. Cannot wait! My kids are truly my world. My whole reason for living.

Wait. Lies. Lies. More lies. Just admit the truth. I can forgive it all. Nope. Denial and more narcissistic behaviors make me think I’m totally nuts. I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing me. I’m living life as a prisoner in my own home. Please go out of town soon, or work overtime. The kids and I need to come out of our rooms and feel welcome in our own house. My kids cannot grow up thinking this normal or ok.

Get out of my house. Divorce. But it’ll be rough. The only promise he ever kept was to make my life miserable and difficult if I ever left him. Two years for the divorce to be finalized, all the while having to watch my back for his vehicle or a co-workers, or vehicle from another agency hiding around the corner watching me and the kids through binoculars. Just within enough distance to let me know their presence to intimidate me, but far enough away that I can’t call in for restraining orders. Well played, but please understand that people at my workplace are noticing, too.

Anxiety. Here, Baby Boy. This helps me. Some Yoga and Pranayama (Breathwork). And carry this special rock with you in your pocket. It has Mommy’s Kiss and anytime you miss me or feel anxious, get it out, rub it or kiss it, and remember that I’m not far away. I promise I wouldn’t leave you here if I didn’t trust your teachers. Thanks, Mrs. Principal for lovingly restraining my boy while I run off to get to work through my tears. Not only did Father choose to leave, but Mommy left her 16 year old position as stay home mom to go to work. I promise I’m not abandoning you, Sweetie. I’m doing the FOR you. We’ll repeat this process all year and have more of this experience for another 2 or three years. Whew! Eventually it does get better.

Ok…hang on tight. Here’s a ride. Thank God I know the signs of depression. Helping a daughter who had discovered self-harm and had her own suicidal thoughts wasn’t fun. How many nights did I cry through this?! Such a difficult thing to go through alone. Poor Peyton. How neglected you must feel while I try to help Sissy. What?! She’s pregnant? OK. Another baby is always welcome, plus he saved her life. Thank you, Angel Child.

Dating? Are you kidding me? How many guys do you think want to date a woman who is in Mommy Mode 24/7. Oh wait…I AM only on standby for four hours a week but I really need that time to nourish myself. Please leave me alone since I’ve finally learned that he isn’t really just going to take off with the kids and not return them! I’ve learned that it is ok to take care of me! Anyway, if you aren’t going to be good for and to me, and be willing to accept me AND my kids for who we are, then we don’t need you. Go ahead. Walk away and use whatever story you need to tell yourself to make you feel less guilty. We’ll be ok. We are perfectly imperfect and we are a chaotic mess. But we are each other’s everything.

Too much stress and overwhelm has created chronic illnesses that make it difficult to function in my everyday life. Guilt arises at all I’m not accomplishing and time I can’t spend in wholeness with my kids. Yoga and meditation help greatly but I need more support. That’s hard to admit…SIGH…

I watch from a distance as my (step)daughter goes through stuff that I’m not in a position to be able to offer help or even much emotional support, and her babies and my (step)son’s are all growing way too fast. I hate that I’m missing it. But I have never been allowed to develop relationships with the rest of the family, so this really shouldn’t bother me so much. Yet, it does. Always has.

Now Christopher.

What did I miss? I think nothing, but there must have been something? He was the one who spent the most time in counseling. His faith in God is the strongest fo anyone I know. He has so much to look forward. Graduating with highest honors, faithfully attending mass and chapel, loyal to his friends and family. What did I miss? There were no obvious signs. He worked hard, he was proud of himself for his efforts. Perhaps it was uncertainty of what’s next after College Graduation. Perhaps he was afraid of not getting into grad school. Perhaps he was afraid of being alone, starting his new chapter in life. Perhaps it was lack of sleep as he tried to excel in his classes, but he didn’t speak about his “maladies” openly to us. Or to anyone, it seems. I have, however, seen notes of encouragement left in his school mailbox. I cannot express how thankful I am for those short, sweet notes.

Because I had allowed myself to become stressed to the point of illness, I did my best to remind him to slow down. Rest. Play. Enjoy Life. He was much like me, in many ways. I could never ever deny him, nor would I want to!

He did Enjoy Life. He travelled. He spent quality time with friends. He knew what he wanted to do, and he did it, with no apologies or regrets, except that he did care whether or not his family supported his decisions. Of course, we usually did! He enjoyed life. Or so it seemed.

Robin Williams. I see now that my child had a soul in resonance with the great comedian.

Someone recently expressed concern over my being alone at my Yoga Studio at night. I assured him I take safety precautions when I’m alone, but that I’ve already experienced so much, that not much else could phase me. Sure, I could be killed, but I’m all good. Death happens, and it’s going to come to me anyway. The worst thing that could happen to me at this point is that something would take away one of my kids.

Damn. I was right about that. So please excuse me while I grieve.

Nothing. And I mean NOTHING is worse than losing a child.

So I write this reminder to myself. Not for sympathy, but to remind myself that I’m strong, determined, and now capable of showing compassion and unconditional love to others. I now know how to share and help others who have struggles, too. I take joy in sharing with and serving others and helping them find their Light again.

I write this as a reminder that I’ve changed tremendously for the better. I’m happy to say I’m not the same person I use to be.

I’ve been through Hell and Back. And I’ve survived. In large part to my parents who always have my back, and in large part because of my Faith in One Higher Than I, for all those times I didn’t feel adequate, capable or able. And of course, Yoga. It makes everything better. 

NOTHING is worse than losing a child. But I’m doing pretty damn good, considering.

And so are you, The Bright Shining Star who is reading this. Go, Do You. Nobody else can do it so well!

Struggling so much you’re not sure you can hold on much longer? Trying to help someone you love?

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline today! 1-800-273-8255

Namaste,

Nikki

A Heavy Heart Kind of Night

​Sometimes, I feel pulled in too many directions. I feel alone, even though I’m surrounded by people. Some have my best interest at heart, some don’t. I get that. I’m even OK with that. 

I’m saddened when I see people finger point instead of take responsibility for their own stuff. That’s everywhere I turn around. I’m especially hurt when the ones I love the most choose to twist things around, making me the only one at fault. Obviously, I am not powerful enough to take credit for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in other peoples’ lives or even in my owm. I should be flattered that I’m thought of as such, though! 

It’s time for me to recommit this promise to myself, as I make every attempt to stand in my own integrity. Others may knock me down, and I might even rest there for a while. Only The One watching over me knows how extremely exhausted I am, after all!! When I choose to stand back up, I’ll stand firm, stronger than ever, in fact. I’ll do this as long as it takes to make me fool-proof. 

I’ll have faith that all things work for my highest good, and in turn for those who are a part of my life. I may not be perfect, but I am perfectly designed to withstand much more than once I ever believed. 

Breathe, surrender, trust. That’s all I’ve got.

Love and Light,

Nikki