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Dressember 2016: Welcome to My Day Two

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​Dressember…what it’s all about?? I’ll tell you! 

Dressember Mission Satement is dear to my heart: 

“DRESSEMBER IS A COLLABORATIVE MOVEMENT LEVERAGING FASHION AND CREATIVITY TO RESTORE DIGNITY TO ALL WOMEN.

As women take on the creative challenge of wearing a dress for the 31 days of December, they are advocating for the inherent dignity of all women. 

THE HEART OF DRESSEMBER IS FREEDOM– THAT EVERY WOMAN HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE A VIBRANT AND AUTONOMOUS LIFE.

At its core, Dressember is an embracing of the inherent freedom and feminity of all women.

In 2013, Dressember took on new meaning: opposing the worldwide trafficking and exploitation of women.”

Each day throught the month, I’ll give you a bit of info on human trafficking, and give you a chance to show support by:
* making a donation

* joining our team here 

* helping spread awareness by liking and sharing each and every post you see

My courage came a few days late, so I hope you’ll help me catch up with the rest of my gorgeous team Sunflowers and Snow!

Thank you, Logan, for being my willing photographer!


 today!

Dressember 2016 Welcome to My Day 1

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My daughter saw my dress this morning and asked if I was going to a funeral. I told her “Well, I AM going to work and a piece of my soul dies every day I’m not living my passion. Find yours and find a way to make a living doing it!”

My response may have been just a wee bit smart alecky,  but later I got to thinking perhaps she was right! 

After all, I am laying to rest parts of my Ego here, as I finally join my Sunflowers and Snow teammates in #Dressember. You know! The parts of me who hate having my picture made and live with chronic anxiety. The part who hates asking others to help. The parts who would rather have on yoga pants or maybe a long flowy skirt and sleep longer than deal with hair and make up. The parts who sit silently (and enviously) wishing she could do something more except pray and send good vibes and on occasion pull out the checkbook to make a donation. The parts who worry about what others think and feel certain that nothing she could do would make a difference anyway. 
Well, to those parts I say Rest in Peace. I have had people advocate on my behalf on several occasions. I have awesome people in my life now who are helping me start to learn to use my voice. I’ve chosen to use my new gift and allow my own experiences aid me in helping others. It is time for me to pay it forward. 

What do you know about modern day slavery? Think it doesn’t exist?

Each day throught the month, I’ll give you a bit of info on human trafficking, and give you a chance to show support by making a donation, joining our team, and helping spread awareness by liking and sharing.

I hope you’ll help me catch up with the rest of my gorgeous team!

Thank you to my friend and co-worker Logan, for being my willing photographer!! 

The Season for Letting Go

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​It’s finally feeling like autumn here in East Tennessee. This season is the perfect time to let go of things that no longer serve a purpose in our lives.

I’m continuing to de-clutter my house, which has been an ongoing project for a several years now!

I have discovered how all this material clutter that surrounds me is directly related to my spiritual and emotional well-being. 

As I mindfully clear away my unloved/unwanted possessions in baby steps, with the intention of creating more space and more simplicity for my family, my mind becomes more clear and calm. Stress levels starts to lessen. It works the other way, too. The more I take care of myself through prayer, meditation, my yoga practice, and rest, the better I feel and the more I get accomplished. 

Yoga also helps when a difficult stored emotion surfaces as I’m decluttering. For example, I was a stay at home mom for 16 years. A couple of weeks ago, I boxed up craft supplies that haven’t been touched since I started working full time outside of the home. 

I had chosen to leave my difficult marriage, which also meant giving up precious time with my children. My heart broke. 

As I went through our craft stuff, I remembered how much fun we use to have sitting at the table making craft messes. Like that time I accidentally squirted a tube of sparking pink paint all over the wall! My daughter thought it was hilarious, so I didn’t even bother to clean it off. Our mark was left there for years until I did decide to paint the room. 

With the good memories, also came the bad. I once again felt anger and resentment and bitterness toward my ex for everything he had ever put us through. I remembered how I struggled with the decision to be less available to my children during the day. 

Now, my ex hasn’t lived I’m my house since November 7, 2010. I have already healed deeply from the wounds created from years of neglect and manipulation. I have come to terms that my ex will always be who he is and that a narcissistic personality cannot be changed. 

However, I apparently needed to go deeper within, so this clearing clutter session created for me another healing session. 

Yoga and meditation came afterward, and on my mat I found freedom to cry again and let my truest emotions, which I have often kept hidden, flow freely. 

I was reminded that all of this decluttering is a process. Removing all the stuff that has taken a lifetime to accumulate, physically and mentally, will never magically go away. 

Sure, I could just toss material belongings into the trash, and often I wish that was part of my personality.

I envy those people who seem to be able to just throw things away or walk away from situations they don’t like anymore. It might seem like they simply don’t care, but I’m beginning to think their wounds might have once been just as deep. Perhaps their lives are more in balance and they have had adequate support to get through their stuff. 

One day, when my healing is nearing end, I will be that person. The one who can let things go with more ease. The one who finds freedom in a more simplified life.The one who finds stillness in the cleared space. The one who finds peace in unconditional love that’s allowed to grow there. 

Until then, I will continue to invite my yoga practice to restore balance and act as my support through my detox period. 

Yoga will help me, just as it has in the past, to be patient with myself and act toward others with a more a gracious and compassionate attitude. 

I am breaking unhealthy habits and becoming the person I’m suppose to be. I’m thankful for all that has brought me here, even when I look around at the mess and want to run away screaming like a mad woman! 

It’s a mess but it’s my life right now. It’s my story, and now I get to help write the ending. 

Stop the Depression Demon Voices Already!

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I cannot express in words how thankful I am that yoga found me soon after depression demons almost took my life. Long gone are the days of addictive anxiety pharmaceuticals and those anti-depressants that caused more damage than good. There have been struggles, of course, but my yoga practice has been my refuge, my sanctuary. Through my practice, I have learned how to go deep within when Darkness shows up, to hear Spirit’s voice. I now enjoy time in solitude, no longer feeling isolated, and deep healing processes are allowed to unfold. Where there is Darkness, there is Light. Let yours shine!!

I wrote the following passage last night upon hearing the heartbreaking news of a local teenage boy committing suicide. I thought I’d offer it here in case that one person who needs to see should come across it. 

Every day for a couple of years, I have worried that my own child would relapse into her hopeless black hole of despair. I was lucky. I saw the warning signs. 

I had to experience it all for myself to be able to see clearly, which makes me extremely thankful for my experiences with depression. I had no idea back then the impact my depression had on my family, friends, and even acquaintances, but I was the same age as this precious teenage boy who took his own life when it attacked me the worst. 

I do not know him, or his family. I only know of him from my daughter being somewhat knowledgeable of his presence in her friend’s life. This doesn’t make me care any less than if he were my own child. Not tonight. My heart hurts. My house is quiet. I have been in prayer. I know of nothing else to do. I can offer no comfort. All I can do is offer insight…

It’s like a vacuum, sucking you in, only to take away your joy, will, desire, and eventually your life. 

It’s relentless in its efforts as it lies, steals, and cheats you of any good that you could possibly know in, of, or about yourself. 

Despite the loudest music and the most crowded of noisiest places its words cannot be drowned out. No. Just the opposite. You are reminded of how alone in this world you really are. No amount of drug, alcohol or sex can make it go away. Binge eating the crappiest comfort foods around, not eating anything at all for days. That doesn’t help either. 
No way. All it does is numb you up for a while, and if you are fortunate enough not to fall into addiction, it then adds to the guilt that is already eating away at your soul. 

Busy-ness can distract you for a little while, but when you slow down, guess what?? There you are. Again. 

Still worthless. Still unlovable. Still too fat, too ugly, too much a failure. 

“You Bitch.” “You should have never been born.” “They’ll all be better off without you.” “Do them a favor and just do it already.” Day in and day out, tirelessly. And this isn’t even the worst. Not even close.

Exhaustion from not sleeping, wondering why God even bothered with you, trying to find ways to hide it all while you try to live up to what you think others expect of you, trying to convince yourself that your ok, trying to appear as perfect to others as possible with your painted on smile…

It just becomes too much. You don’t want to be a burden on others, but you know you have to do something. 

There is only one thing. Nothing can save you. 

So you go and do the very thing that hurts the people you love the most. You think your being selfless, but really it’s the most selfish thing of all. 

Now the ones who love you are left to live without you, wondering…crying…trying to understand…missing you…

Too bad you can’t explain that you did it not because you didn’t care, but because you care too much. So much more than anyone else could ever understand.

Full Moon Energy and an Uninvited Guest

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The powerful energy of the full moon has my creative energies going in a million different directions when it comes to putting material together for yoga classes, updating my profiles on yoga platforms, studying for an online course I am taking on the Yamas and Niyamas, designing a yoga sequence for my athletic 10 year old son who has just had his first visit chiropractic adjustment with Dr. Kate Flynn, and my own homework assignments for her.

I am getting over a little stomach bug that my precious toddler grandson who lives with me so generously shared with the whole household, so I have resolved to rest today, to the best of my ability. I am not worrying about housework at all, just resting. While I do love a gorgeous full moon, and it was gorgeous indeed last night, its energy was extremely, yet irritatingly intense once coupled with the lingering discomfort of my virus and the fibromyalgic symptoms brought on no doubt by a popular hydrating sports drink. (Lesson learned! I will from here on out always have coconut water on hand!) I was beyond restless last night, and remain that way today.

To counter the moon’s effects on all my energetic levels, I am taking a relatively quiet day, with little interaction with other people. I am practicing meditation and looking forward to a hot detox bath as bedtime nears. I find that during any full moon, it helps me to keep anxiety and overwhelm at bay if I keep to myself as much as possible, my body at ease as much as possible, and allow my thoughts to be expressed through journaling, blogging, and planning.

While I long for a yoga asana practice today, though, my pain-ridden, nauseated body just might not cooperate, and I will have to accept that, for today, that is just how it is. It saddens me, but it will pass soon enough! If I allow myself this time of rest, that is. Perhaps I will find gratitude as the day progresses for the visitors that invaded my body to require me to rest.

REST. It doesn’t come easy for me. I don’t sleep well. I never have. I am constantly on the move. I don’t sit still for long and if I do, I am usually working on the “I have-to’s”.

Today I am practicing sitting still, only to do what I enjoy doing. That is, bringing about healing on all levels of my being, creating yoga-related healing material for myself and others, and enjoying the day. While it may be work, and mostly unpaid at that, it is what fuels my passion, and helps to restore my balance. It is where my heart is. When my heart is at peace, I am at rest.

As part of my creations this weekend, I created a short introductory for this week’s Daily Yoga Connection in the membership area of Dr. Melissa West‘s Yoga Membership site. To see the finished product you have to go there, but I want to share with you how my son’s sweet giggles brought me out of the anxiety I felt about being in front of the camera. I hope you enjoy the silly little mommy/son interaction this video clip. It is out of my comfort zone to share, but that’s real life, real OCD problems, and real goofiness, real laughter. That is that kind of real, the kind of authenticity, that I hope to portray as I continue on to share my yoga passion.

Take time out today for you, to play, to laugh, to rest.

Love and Light!

Nikki

The Coffee Cup That Speaks to Me

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​Every day for several weeks, I have seen this reminder, as I sip my morning coffee at work. 

Every day I’ve thought about all the excuses I’ve made for myself through the years about teaching yoga. Now is not the time. My kids need me too much. I don’t have the support. I can’t afford the training. I’m not good enough. My anxiety will never let me actually teach yoga. The list goes on and on. 

It took me 20 plus years to finally gain the courage and give myself permission to take a training. I knew I wanted it for me, so went into it last year with the goal to increase my own knowledge and deepen my practice. I set a date months ago to teach UT’s yoga club, knowing I was still to afraid to actually do it. I’m comfortable enough teaching one on one, but this was gonna be me, alone, in front of people! 

I thought back to the only semester that I barely got through there. It was just too big and overwhelming. I had such severe panic attacks, I couldn’t go to class unless I knew for sure I would be the first one in the classroom. 

I made my commitment anyway, knowing it would be good incentive to strive to be ready by then. Well the date came yesterday. I felt anxious, but was not paralyzed. By the end of class the room FULL of kids were trying their first mudra and pranayama practice, which sent them into giggles. Just that alone made it worth not chickening out! 

I appreciate their willingness to explore the new and weird! I feel fortunate to have been able to share their space. 

But guess what? I got to go back today, to teach at the Yogafest on campus, which was open to all students and staff. Not only was I more relaxed teaching, but I got to participate in my own first Laughter Yoga class, which was perfect for my prescription to laugh from Dr. Kate Flynn. 

What’s my point in all this? Go Follow Your Dreams. No. Don’t. Go CHASE them! Time passes by quickly. Find your passion NOW. Live it to the fullest every day. Nothing is impossible when you become stronger than your strongest excuse.

Love and Light,

Nikki

A Heavy Heart Kind of Night

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​Sometimes, I feel pulled in too many directions. I feel alone, even though I’m surrounded by people. Some have my best interest at heart, some don’t. I get that. I’m even OK with that. 

I’m saddened when I see people finger point instead of take responsibility for their own stuff. That’s everywhere I turn around. I’m especially hurt when the ones I love the most choose to twist things around, making me the only one at fault. Obviously, I am not powerful enough to take credit for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in other peoples’ lives or even in my owm. I should be flattered that I’m thought of as such, though! 

It’s time for me to recommit this promise to myself, as I make every attempt to stand in my own integrity. Others may knock me down, and I might even rest there for a while. Only The One watching over me knows how extremely exhausted I am, after all!! When I choose to stand back up, I’ll stand firm, stronger than ever, in fact. I’ll do this as long as it takes to make me fool-proof. 

I’ll have faith that all things work for my highest good, and in turn for those who are a part of my life. I may not be perfect, but I am perfectly designed to withstand much more than once I ever believed. 

Breathe, surrender, trust. That’s all I’ve got.

Love and Light,

Nikki

Anxiety Anger

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Hi There!
I hope this finds you happy and well!
This past week has been quite difficult. Anxiety decided to become vicious all throughout my household. My ten year old son got bitten, then me, and my daughter had her share of it, too. While genetics may indeed play a part, for us, I believe we mostly infect each other energetically. We are all so in tune with one another, that our sensitivities often cause us to wonder whose stuff is really who’s. It is imperative that we each do our individual things to protect ourselves!
Here where I am in Good Ole East Tennessee, the temperatures have ranged 90-100 degrees daily, and the humidity creates a most suffocating effect. Very little rain, but quite a bit of wind has created a most unique atmosphere this summer. Not with the weather, but rather with my personality! As an Ayurvedic dosha personality type of Pitta-Vata  I have been feeling rather crazy. Errr….crazier than usual, perhaps. My Pitta fiery part often chose to translate anxiety into anger, and my windy Vata part which created the anxiety to begin with took off like a hurricane. It certainly caused me to realize that my yoga practice has been too inconsistent lately!
The intensity of my dosha imbalance also created some issues with me physically. I fell ill with migraines and fibromyalgic pain, both of which I am still struggling to find relief.
What has triggered the anxiety? Thoughts of letting go of things that no longer serve me, creating changes in my home and relationships, starting something new, worries about disappointing others, kids going back to school and all their activities that come along with that, overwhelm at my 8-5 job, the never-ending piles of laundry…
LIFE!
It is just that simple. Life is stressful when it gets out of hand.
Of course, that is only as true as I allow it to be. This time anxiety attacked me with a vengeance. I had failed to be mindful and fell into a life-long habitual pattern of fight-or-flight.
The night I had a panic attack was what it took to wake me back up. It wasn’t the worst ever, but the first in a very long while. I had to make a decision to fight for me.
My fight is one that includes a practice of non-violence. I try to practice ahimsa, creating an atmosphere of forgiveness and gentleness toward myself. I try to give myself more “me” time, and try to get more rest. I have listened to music that encourages and inspires me, and I have reached out to others for their support. More than that. I have accepted their support.
I have a project due next week for which I needed to film today. I am part of an online yoga community, and the Founder/Yoga Teacher there has asked me to put together two week’s worth of her yoga practice videos along with my own video introductions to be published in our Membership Community. I won’t lie. I am not so fond of being in front of a camera. I like hiding behind my pen, paper, and computer screen where it is safe!
My lovely teacher…she knows this. She knows that my anxiety keeps me from yoga teaching opportunities. She knows I need a gentle push, and I am grateful that she is in my life! I feel beyond blessed to have the opportunity to practice stepping out my comfort zones in the atmosphere she provides which offers support, encouragement, and kindness.
My anxiety didn’t want to go away for me to film. I needed to practice yoga, but my exhausted, pain-filled body wasn’t up for a full practice before I needed to start filming. Several times I doubted that I could finish my video task. I had expressed my fear to this really awesome person whose encouraging words kept ringing in my head like the most beautiful mantra. Eventually I started believing that I was capable. To increase the good vibe intensity, I decided to work with a familiar mudra to help overcome anxiety. To see that, visit Prakrti Yoga’s Facebook page. Find it helpful or humorous. Either way, I hope it makes you feel better, too!
I still have work to do to complete my assignment, but my short videos did get filmed. Come see us starting next Sunday for two weeks of Daily Yoga Connection in the Membership Community of Dr. Melissa West, Namaste Yoga. We will be finishing up our monthly focus of anxiety relieving yoga (HA!), and I will be re-committing to my personal yoga practice.
May you be filled with all good things!
Love and Light,
Nikki

Letting Go Assignment

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To get where I am now, ready to share my yoga passion and to share with others the benefits of yoga, I have had to  choose to make some changes in my life. I have had to choose to let go of things that keep me stuck, and to surrender to what is and what may come.
Considering FEAR is most likely my greatest great obstacle…fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of change, fear of judgment and criticism, etc, etc…I hesitate to share this post publicly. Of course, that is exactly why I should do it. My goal is to help others find their own truth through yoga, to help heal their hurts and to find their voice. Therefore, I have no other option than to put myself out here.
Sunday I went out to complete an assignment that was given to me by one of my own healers. I have had seven people die whom I loved dearly and who played influential roles in my life. These loved ones continue to haunt my energetic body, my mind, and my spirit as I struggle to let go of my own anger, hurt, guilt, and regrets surrounding our relationships. As a result, my heart is unable to fully accept love from others, and even though I may love others with every fiber of my being, I remain unable to express it in the fullest capacity.
Dr. Kate Flynn of Activating Ascension suggested that I find a body of water by which to do a letting go ceremony in honor of these loved ones of mine. I set out with the intention of finding the perfect place to practice yoga and hold my letting go ceremony. I was limited on time so I couldn’t spend too much time searching, though.
At first, I did not believe that the place I ended up was as “perfect” as I wanted it to be. There were people in the area, a lot of background noise, and no place to spread out my yoga mat. I worried what these people were going to think about what I was about to do. I worried that I would be distracted, and end up wasting my time. I sat for a few minutes contemplating if I was going to stay or leave, if I was going to follow through or chicken out. Next thing I know, I was recording a video (which can be found on my Prakrti Yoga Facebook page if fear doesn’t prevent me from posting it), practicing yoga in the shallow river water, and selecting seven rocks to represent each person I was letting go of. I meditated on each person, sharing with them what I was feeling, thanking them for their presence in my life, and asking for whatever traits I admired most about them to live on through me. At the end of each person’s mediation, I released the rocks into the water as I promised I would now be ok without holding onto to them in such a way that hindered me from moving on.
My Loved Ones 1-4 were easiest to whom to say good-bye. Two grandmothers and a Grandfather who lived long, full, loving lives in strong faith. A best friend from way back in high school who was a kind and compassionate leader. Next was a troubled ex-boyfriend with whom I share my oldest child. I have been processing for several years not just his death, but a whole host of issues between the two of us. Saying another good-bye to him hurt a little less this time. My 6 and 7…definitely the most difficult. I didn’t think I could do it. Enter the most beautiful wet dog to give me a great big hug. Up until that moment my space had been respected, and I was in my own little world.
This precious guy knew what I needed, though, and although his owner was a bit embarrassed, I was thankful. I had been wondering for several years how I was ever going to let go of the babies I had lost early on in pregnancy. How was I supposed to let go of these souls who were never really acknowledged except in my own heart, who were never really mine, and who I never even got the chance to touch? My furry visitor brought much comfort to me and gave me the courage to continue.
While I am still uncertain of how best two honor my babies completely, I know they showed me how great my intuition can be if I allow it to rise, and they taught me that love is stronger than anything physical or visible, that love is stronger than any doubt. Perhaps I wasn’t completely successful in letting go with these two, but I am a little more free from a stronghold.
I did complete my assignment to the best of my ability, and there isn’t one thing about my experience I would change. It turned out to be as close to perfect as it possibly could have been, and it was only made even more special with the knowledge that I had support for what I was doing from people who love me. I was even granted an extra hour, which made it possible for me to stay in my perfect place long enough to watch families playing and children laughing.
May Peace Be Yours!
Nikki

 

 

 

Who Can Benefit From Yoga?

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I get asked often about yoga. People are curious. Or perhaps they are just trying to figure me out! Either way…I am happy to share!
I have been asked if yoga can help with weight loss. I have been asked if someone who is heavy into strength training can practice yoga. I have heard people say they are too inflexible for yoga or too fat or too old or they have been too inactive for too long. I have heard people talk about not being able to exercise at all because of an injury.
Here’s the truth. Yoga is for every body. Anybody at all! Yoga can benefit all ages, stages, and constitutions.
While there is a long list of benefits with statistics and scientific proof (which I happen to find fascinating) I’ll just give you a brief summary of what yoga can do for people of all ages.
  • In children, yoga helps release built up energy, helps develop and maintain mental clarity and focus, and helps to develop a healthy sense of self. Yoga promotes a healthy lifestyle and mindset, giving children necessary tools to navigate life’s highway at an easy pace. I am currently teaching my youngest son how to deal with his anxiety by using breathing techniques, mudras, mantras and affirmations.
  • Yoga and teenagers. My, oh my! I get tickled at my own teenage daughter. I catch her in tree pose or hear her tell her little brother how to watch out for his knee in the same pose. Occasionally I hear her chant or sing mantra instead of belting out her usual songs, but she denies practicing yoga. It’s ok, though, because I know she’s developing a compassionate heart and connecting with Spirit in her own way, and she, in turn, is going out into the world to share the love she is growing in. She also helps me in a yogic artist’s way learn to be more patient and kind to myself by making meditative mandalas with me. She becomes my teacher! I have seen first-hand how yoga can help a teenage girl balance hormones, foster a positive self-image, increase feelings of self-worth, improve concentration, and behave in ways that are wise beyond her years because she has learned not to react to difficult situations based on fleeting emotions.
  • In adults yoga helps to counteract all the high tech gear problems that develop from texting, typing/mousing, and gaming. From carpal tunnel syndrome, to vision problems and from tight hips to neck tension, yoga helps to correct and eliminate problems brought about by too much screen time. Yoga also helps to increase muscle tone and flexibility, and it can help to reduce body weight. Yoga in adults helps to create a healthy mindset that may have been forgotten through the years and helps to maintain it. Yoga helps adults get back in touch with their child-like imagination and creative. Many adults become complacent, settling for less than what they deserve. They don’t think there are any other options, yet yoga helps break habitual patterns in thoughts and actions by re-wiring the brain. Please note: I am resisting the urge to go all nerdy here! Yoga can help manage stress, anxiety, and depression.
  • Seniors benefit from yoga, too! Through yoga, the body can continue moving in the gentlest way possible thus helping the brain to maintain healthy function.
Yoga at any age can be adapted for specific physical needs. No flexibility? No problem! There are ways to create space in the body to allow for more ease in movement. Physical injuries can be cared for without sacrificing movement for the rest of the body. A yoga practice can even be designed for someone confined to a chair or bed.
Perhaps someone is already strong in a workout regimen. Yoga can help supplement and reduce injury to body builders, runners, climbers, and cyclists. Yoga brings into balance strength and flexibility necessary for healthy muscles and joints. Incorporating yoga into an existing workout can help bring better and longer-lasting results.
Still not convinced yoga is something attainable for you? Are you thinking about exploring yoga’s benefits for you, but lacking energy or motivation or just don’t know where to start? Send me an e-mail at nnitzband@gmail.com or call me at 865-207-4097. Let’s talk about it and work together to create a practice that works with you, for you!
Metta,
Nikki