Tag: relationships

Dressember 2016: Welcome to My Day Twelve

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Ok…so this is kinda mean…When someone comes to your door and he isn’t accustomed to you being “dressed” and it has happened two weeks in a row and you can tell he is wondering but won’t ask…and you let him wonder…

THAT and earrings today were my highlights! I haven’t worn earrings in so long I was sure I would need to re-pierce!

Then there was watching My Little Man try out for basketball. Man, that kid had some moves out there! I’m proud of him, for putting forth some good effort, regardless of the outcome! I make him nervous when watch too much, so I worked on a Yoga-To-Teach-List while there. If you have any ideas that you would like to see in a local yoga class or taught in a private/semi-private setting, let me know! I’m taking suggestions!

Even my dreaded stop at the store to buy a birthday gift for an awesome boy wasn’t so bad. I was especially delighted when said person from above had to meet up with me again and gave me money to put toward the gift. Um. Huh? What just happened? Thank you!

Off to Dinner Date with My Girl and My Little Man, where I awkwardly stood to have my picture taken, took advice from my littles to throw up gang signs, and realized the only signs I know signal “I love you!” Yes, though, LOVE is the message I would prefer to share!

Day ended by dropping My Little Man at a sleepover, and hanging with My Girl vegging in front of the television where I looked up some human trafficking facts for the Knoxville area.

Remember this from WATE.COM back in the summer?!

“32 arrested in human trafficking sting operation, 2 pastors charged with trafficking

A children’s pastor at Grace Baptist Church and a volunteer creative pastor at Lifehouse Church in Oak Ridge were charged with trafficking

WATE 6 On Your Side Staff Published: May 20, 2016, 9:11 am  Updated: May 23, 2016, 4:31 am” Read more here.

KIDS!!! IN CHURCHES!! WERE AROUND THESE MEN! WEEKLY!!

Human trafficking is happening in our own backyard. It is much, much easier to look the other way when I think of it happening globally. Yet, I’m bringing it home. THIS is where I live! THIS is where my kids live.

Care to help me and my team as we wear dresses for the rest of the month for Dressember? We are raising awareness of modern-day slavery, rescuing victims from all over the world, and helping to provide after care.

We are Sunflowers and Snow. Melissa West, Jenn Ashton, Madeline Hilde Sicinski, Nicci Rea, Harmony Darling, Aynne Johnston, Laura Moyer and I would love to have you join us: Sunflowers and Snow, Donate, or simply “Like” and “Share” any Dressember posts you see!

Namaste, Nikki

Dressember 2016: Welcome to My Day Eleven

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At first glance, it appears that I’ve accomplished nothing today. Not much on my normal Saturday To-Do List has been marked off.

Now that I spend time in reflection, however, I believe differently. I no longer feel I’ve lost my day to nothingness.

I slept this morning until 11:00. Out-of-it kind of sleep, not just my typical being lazy not want to do chores lying around.

This sleep deprived momma got some much needed restorative rest.

I chose to focus on yoga and yoga related causes because that’s healing for me, and it’s what I love. With my migraine, that’s what I needed instead of forcing myself to get everything done that I felt like SHOULD be done. I had a video to shoot for Melissa West’s membership community, and I hit record over and over again. I let go of “perfect” eventually and realized I was causing myself unnecessary stress. There’s no such thing as “Perfect” anyway!!

During an argument over recurring issues, I found courage to speak what was on my heart and set some strong boundaries, which I fully intend to hold firmly in place regardless of another’s reaction. I decided I deserve to be treated better, and I’ll make changes if others won’t.

Speaking of making changes, I had to have pictures for Dressember! Christopher, my oldest came home from college, so I took some time catching up with him, and he graciously accepted the offer to be my photographer for the day.

Modern-day slavery is prejudice to NONE and any place can be a trap!

From Polaris:

Victims of sex trafficking can be U.S. citizens, foreign nationals, women, men, children, and LGBTQ individuals. Vulnerable populations are frequently targeted by traffickers, including runaway and homeless youth, as well as victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, war, or social discrimination.

Sex trafficking occurs in a range of venues including fake massage businesses, via online ads or escort services, in residential brothels, on the street or at truck stops, or at hotels and motels.

Since 2007, the National Human Trafficking Hotline, operated by Polaris, has received reports of 14,588 sex trafficking cases inside the United States.

Care to help raise awareness of Human Trafficking?

Melissa West, Jenn Ashton, Madeline Hilde Sicinski, Nicci Rea, Harmony Darling, Aynne Johnston, Laura Moyer and I would love to have you join us: Sunflowers and Snow!

Perhaps you would be willing to make a Donation?

At least, wouls you simply “Like” and “Share” any Dressember posts you see?!

Namaste,

Nikki

Dressember 2016: Welcome To My Day Ten

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Migraine, Migraine go away. I don’t have time for you today.

I must go to work. I want to see my boy play. So, please go on your merry way.

That Number Two, he sure is cute. I absolutely love to watch him shoot.

I will fight you. Again and again. Not to try would be a sin.

Your chronic fatigue can go, too. My life’s busy,  chaotic, like a zoo.

No matter what you choose, I say today,

I’m not going to lose,

This opportunity for Dressember Day.

You want to know why? Well I’m glad you asked.

Let me give you some facts and stats.

From Polaris:

Sex traffickers use violence, threats, lies, debt bondage, and other forms of coercion to compel adults and children to engage in commercial sex acts against their will.
The situations that sex trafficking victims face vary dramatically. Many victims become romantically involved with someone who then forces or manipulates them into prostitution. Others are lured in with false promises of a job, such as modeling or dancing. Some are forced to sell sex by their parents or other family members. They may be involved in a trafficking situation for a few days or weeks, or may remain in the same trafficking situation for years.

Globally, the International Labor Organization estimates that there are 4.5 million people trapped in forced sexual exploitation globally.
In a 2014 report, the Urban Institute estimated that the underground sex economy ranged from $39.9 million in Denver, Colorado, to $290 million in Atlanta, Georgia.

As a mom, this greatly saddens me.

Will you please take a stand with me?

Melissa West, Jenn Ashton, Madeline Hilde Sicinski, Nicci Rea, Harmony Darling, Aynne Johnston, Laura Moyer and I would love to have you join us by being part of our team Sunflowers and Snow, or you can Donate, or simply “Like” and “Share” any Dressember posts you see!

*Logan, thank you for your continued support by faithfully taking my photo each day this week. Thank you for enouraging me when I didn’t really feel it!!

Much Love,

Nikki

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Dressember 2016: Welcome to My Day Nine

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Here we go again! Another day, another dress!!

“Be Stronger than your strongest excuse.”

Dear Dressember,

I’m having a love hate relationship with you today. I went to bed exhausted last night and woke up the same way. I would have loved a day off in my pjs! My office had a very important visitor today, and I was filled with anxiety. Being as late for work as usual was not an option, but I had to shave my legs. Please don’t make me choose between that and my makeup! Not with our guest coming. I wasn’t up for tights, though, because some days I just don’t want to feel restricted or constricted, and I already knew I was going to be chained to my desk, dependant on others for  potty breaks and water refills. Ok…not so bad… Smooth legs and makeup done. I was starting to feel more excited to get on with my day. Thank Goodness for boots and under desk heaters because, boy, was it cold today!!

Special Guest was not so bad, thankfully, because he comes back tomorrow. I also really enjoyed the smile and energy of one of our new PCS technicians. He lifted my spirit which keeps falling into a strange place today. It isn’t sadness, exactly, but tears want to surface. I wonder where they’re coming from, but I won’t dwell there. I suspect they are in part due to you, Dressember.

I won’t post statistics or info tonight, because I’m not sure my heart can handle it. Something is happening inside me.

I am thankful for yoga, and getting together with a couple of students to teach tonight. Like I have all day, I didn’t feel quite like myself, fuzzy-minded,  and scatter brained, but I might like Thursdays as a regular teaching night! Something to think about, I guess, but maybe not always in a dress!

Please continue to show your support!!

We are Sunflowers and Snow. Melissa West, Jenn Ashton, Madeline Hilde Sicinski, Nicci Rea, Harmony Darling, Aynne Johnston, Laura Moyer and I would love to have you join our team Sunflowers and Snow, or Donate , or simply “Like” and “Share” any Dressember posts you see!

Thank You!!

Nikki

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The Season for Letting Go

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​It’s finally feeling like autumn here in East Tennessee. This season is the perfect time to let go of things that no longer serve a purpose in our lives.

I’m continuing to de-clutter my house, which has been an ongoing project for a several years now!

I have discovered how all this material clutter that surrounds me is directly related to my spiritual and emotional well-being. 

As I mindfully clear away my unloved/unwanted possessions in baby steps, with the intention of creating more space and more simplicity for my family, my mind becomes more clear and calm. Stress levels starts to lessen. It works the other way, too. The more I take care of myself through prayer, meditation, my yoga practice, and rest, the better I feel and the more I get accomplished. 

Yoga also helps when a difficult stored emotion surfaces as I’m decluttering. For example, I was a stay at home mom for 16 years. A couple of weeks ago, I boxed up craft supplies that haven’t been touched since I started working full time outside of the home. 

I had chosen to leave my difficult marriage, which also meant giving up precious time with my children. My heart broke. 

As I went through our craft stuff, I remembered how much fun we use to have sitting at the table making craft messes. Like that time I accidentally squirted a tube of sparking pink paint all over the wall! My daughter thought it was hilarious, so I didn’t even bother to clean it off. Our mark was left there for years until I did decide to paint the room. 

With the good memories, also came the bad. I once again felt anger and resentment and bitterness toward my ex for everything he had ever put us through. I remembered how I struggled with the decision to be less available to my children during the day. 

Now, my ex hasn’t lived I’m my house since November 7, 2010. I have already healed deeply from the wounds created from years of neglect and manipulation. I have come to terms that my ex will always be who he is and that a narcissistic personality cannot be changed. 

However, I apparently needed to go deeper within, so this clearing clutter session created for me another healing session. 

Yoga and meditation came afterward, and on my mat I found freedom to cry again and let my truest emotions, which I have often kept hidden, flow freely. 

I was reminded that all of this decluttering is a process. Removing all the stuff that has taken a lifetime to accumulate, physically and mentally, will never magically go away. 

Sure, I could just toss material belongings into the trash, and often I wish that was part of my personality.

I envy those people who seem to be able to just throw things away or walk away from situations they don’t like anymore. It might seem like they simply don’t care, but I’m beginning to think their wounds might have once been just as deep. Perhaps their lives are more in balance and they have had adequate support to get through their stuff. 

One day, when my healing is nearing end, I will be that person. The one who can let things go with more ease. The one who finds freedom in a more simplified life.The one who finds stillness in the cleared space. The one who finds peace in unconditional love that’s allowed to grow there. 

Until then, I will continue to invite my yoga practice to restore balance and act as my support through my detox period. 

Yoga will help me, just as it has in the past, to be patient with myself and act toward others with a more a gracious and compassionate attitude. 

I am breaking unhealthy habits and becoming the person I’m suppose to be. I’m thankful for all that has brought me here, even when I look around at the mess and want to run away screaming like a mad woman! 

It’s a mess but it’s my life right now. It’s my story, and now I get to help write the ending. 

Stop the Depression Demon Voices Already!

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I cannot express in words how thankful I am that yoga found me soon after depression demons almost took my life. Long gone are the days of addictive anxiety pharmaceuticals and those anti-depressants that caused more damage than good. There have been struggles, of course, but my yoga practice has been my refuge, my sanctuary. Through my practice, I have learned how to go deep within when Darkness shows up, to hear Spirit’s voice. I now enjoy time in solitude, no longer feeling isolated, and deep healing processes are allowed to unfold. Where there is Darkness, there is Light. Let yours shine!!

I wrote the following passage last night upon hearing the heartbreaking news of a local teenage boy committing suicide. I thought I’d offer it here in case that one person who needs to see should come across it. 

Every day for a couple of years, I have worried that my own child would relapse into her hopeless black hole of despair. I was lucky. I saw the warning signs. 

I had to experience it all for myself to be able to see clearly, which makes me extremely thankful for my experiences with depression. I had no idea back then the impact my depression had on my family, friends, and even acquaintances, but I was the same age as this precious teenage boy who took his own life when it attacked me the worst. 

I do not know him, or his family. I only know of him from my daughter being somewhat knowledgeable of his presence in her friend’s life. This doesn’t make me care any less than if he were my own child. Not tonight. My heart hurts. My house is quiet. I have been in prayer. I know of nothing else to do. I can offer no comfort. All I can do is offer insight…

It’s like a vacuum, sucking you in, only to take away your joy, will, desire, and eventually your life. 

It’s relentless in its efforts as it lies, steals, and cheats you of any good that you could possibly know in, of, or about yourself. 

Despite the loudest music and the most crowded of noisiest places its words cannot be drowned out. No. Just the opposite. You are reminded of how alone in this world you really are. No amount of drug, alcohol or sex can make it go away. Binge eating the crappiest comfort foods around, not eating anything at all for days. That doesn’t help either. 
No way. All it does is numb you up for a while, and if you are fortunate enough not to fall into addiction, it then adds to the guilt that is already eating away at your soul. 

Busy-ness can distract you for a little while, but when you slow down, guess what?? There you are. Again. 

Still worthless. Still unlovable. Still too fat, too ugly, too much a failure. 

“You Bitch.” “You should have never been born.” “They’ll all be better off without you.” “Do them a favor and just do it already.” Day in and day out, tirelessly. And this isn’t even the worst. Not even close.

Exhaustion from not sleeping, wondering why God even bothered with you, trying to find ways to hide it all while you try to live up to what you think others expect of you, trying to convince yourself that your ok, trying to appear as perfect to others as possible with your painted on smile…

It just becomes too much. You don’t want to be a burden on others, but you know you have to do something. 

There is only one thing. Nothing can save you. 

So you go and do the very thing that hurts the people you love the most. You think your being selfless, but really it’s the most selfish thing of all. 

Now the ones who love you are left to live without you, wondering…crying…trying to understand…missing you…

Too bad you can’t explain that you did it not because you didn’t care, but because you care too much. So much more than anyone else could ever understand.

A Heavy Heart Kind of Night

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​Sometimes, I feel pulled in too many directions. I feel alone, even though I’m surrounded by people. Some have my best interest at heart, some don’t. I get that. I’m even OK with that. 

I’m saddened when I see people finger point instead of take responsibility for their own stuff. That’s everywhere I turn around. I’m especially hurt when the ones I love the most choose to twist things around, making me the only one at fault. Obviously, I am not powerful enough to take credit for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in other peoples’ lives or even in my owm. I should be flattered that I’m thought of as such, though! 

It’s time for me to recommit this promise to myself, as I make every attempt to stand in my own integrity. Others may knock me down, and I might even rest there for a while. Only The One watching over me knows how extremely exhausted I am, after all!! When I choose to stand back up, I’ll stand firm, stronger than ever, in fact. I’ll do this as long as it takes to make me fool-proof. 

I’ll have faith that all things work for my highest good, and in turn for those who are a part of my life. I may not be perfect, but I am perfectly designed to withstand much more than once I ever believed. 

Breathe, surrender, trust. That’s all I’ve got.

Love and Light,

Nikki