Dear Lovely Soul,
It has been a very long week!! I have still been releasing energetic cords attached to codependent tendencies that keep me stuck in unhealthy behavior patterns, and afraid of moving forward.
Stored emotions related to codependency and other things yet to be dealt with have made home in my physical body and often show up as chronic body pain and blocked energy channels. In this week’s yoga and meditation practices, I became aware of particular holding areas.
My adrenal glands caused low back pain. I experienced pain along the entire right side of my body, with emphasis on tightness in my right shoulder blade, right groin area, and the stabbing pain near my right temple. Visually, Codependency showed itself as a wooden stake and an emotional rapist. Lovely, huh?
My exploration with Dr. Kate Flynn’s Fear Release Technique, brought up a new list, including but limited to, and in no particular order, fear of: failure; my messy life forever being a mess; not being able to do everything that needs to be done on my own; rejection; never being understood; letting people see my crazy; not being an effective yoga teacher; vulnerability; love; showing my femininity; loneliness; relationships; weakness; inadequacy; happiness; reverting back into old, unhealthy patterns; my kids getting hurt; getting hurt myself; hurting others; losing myself; compromising my beliefs and values; compromising my health; not having enough quality time for my kids; not having enough ME time; being in yet another commitment that leaves me feeling miserably lonely.
Who knew I was afraid of so much?! I have been living my whole life in fear, no doubt, but one day, I will live fearlessly. I will live as if there is no tomorrow.
This past week, I needed yoga practices to bring balance and restore health in my Triple Warmer Meridian, which is all out of whack, while I continued to cut through any and all energetic cords of codependency.
My Triple Warmer Meridian practices helped me to realize burdens brought on by habitual codependency behaviors such as being/doing what others need, taking on other people’s responsibilities and guilt, denying my own needs and desires, and the feeling of never being good enough. I heard my my hips and inner thighs scream “Have mercy!!” while in Kurmasana (Tortoise Pose). However, afterward, I did feel more balanced energetically, and felt tension start to release in my head, neck, shoulders and upper torso. The practices seemed so simple, but there was really lots happening, physically, mentally energetically, and spiritually!
I practiced a much needed Traditional Chinese Medicine Spleen yoga class which reminded me to be sure to set strong boundaries. In the physical realm, my boundaries can be too rigid these days, however my energetic boundaries still seem to be super susceptible to other people’s vibrations. I became increasingly aware throughout the practice that I am now carrying other people’s stuff on a subconscious and energetic level. I felt a shift in my energy and in my mind mindset. I was reminded to replenish and nourish my own energy. This means I need to be more mindful to fuel my body with my proper nourishment and allow for self-care sessions and enough sleep. I often fall into the habit of becoming too tired to care for myself after I’ve seen to it that everyone else is taken care of.
During a mudra practice, I felt a tight spot loosen in my chest with an audible pop. That knot had been there for quite some time, but this past week it was so bothersome that it had my awareness enough that I tried my best to massage it away to no avail.
I feel much gratitude for the wealth of knowledge Dr. Melissa West provides her students throughout her membership community. That is where I found these practices for my Triple Warmer Meridian and Spleen, and Melissa’s belief in me allows me to take on a leadership role. I had put together a playlist in the Daily Yoga Connection section to focus on Forgiveness two weeks ago, and this past week’s follow up playlist was intended to focus on Grief. I often find after I practice Forgiveness, I must grieve!
Let me reassure you, practicing Forgiveness and Grief are appropriate when dealing with codependency issues that made their impression very early on in life!
In my Yoga for Grief practices, I realized that codependency caused me to lose my childhood too quickly as I took on responsibilities beyond my years. I lost my innocence very early in life, as I created a me that made everyone else happy and tried her hardest to find their love and acceptance. I had no idea I was a habitual liar as little girl, but now I am aware that every single time I put on a fake smile and did what everyone expected of me, I was creating my own prison, my own pain. While practicing Parighasana (Gate Pose), I could feel just how much pain resides in both sides, all along the rib cage. Forward folds reminded me to stop striving for perfection. The Perfectionism Prison is another codependency trait that has been with me from very early on! This practice reminded me to relax into exactly where I am today – in all areas of my life and on all levels. I was reminded to surrender to my present moment, and allow everything to unfold organically. Experience has shown me that too much effort only leads to illness, exhaustion and overwhelm. I deserve better.
I also had another knot release with the same pop as earlier! This one resided in my left lower back! That knot must have been holding an awful lot because let me tell ya…when you are in a healing process, stored emotions will always find their way out at some point, in some way…
Earlier in the week I was the target of a stranger’s anger. He triggered me, in a very strong way. I had to leave the situation because I was afraid of what I was going to say or do in response. Usually, I do well keeping myself pulled together, until I’ve absolutely reached my limits, at which point I’ve been known to explode. I am, after all, well versed in pretending that everything is fine and painting a smile on my face! Sometimes, though, too much is all I can handle!
This incident was seemingly out of the blue, as all had been going quite smoothly in my life! I gave myself permission to take the rest of the day to feel absolutely anything that came up for me. My near-rage anger turned into sadness and grief followed by sheer exhaustion! The next day I felt a bit of embarrassment for my very-loud-and-adult-language venting that came out to a friend, but for the first time ever, I did not feel those deep-rooted codependency rules of guilt or shame toward these formerly perceived “negative” emotions.
Today, because of yoga, I feel grateful for Mean Man’s presence. He gave me the opportunity to experience a different attitude toward emotions I use to try my hardest to avoid. He provided an opportunity to explore who I am at my heart’s core. He taught me that I have developed a very low tolerance for my allowing people to treat me in a degrading and disrespectful manner. Most importantly, he reminded me that even on my worse days, I (usually) have the ability to still treat others with kindness and respect, as I noticed myself praying for grace and for peace toward this man that I hope to never see again.
I love a good practice with Sun Salutations! This time with previously mentioned man on my mind, they made me question if it is possible to teach people how to treat me differently as I undergo inner changes.
I recalled one person who knows I was taught that I was not capable of caring for myself, to avoid conflict, and to deny my own needs and wishes. She knows I was taught to dismiss my own feelings. I have very recently been able to recognize how she is still stuck in her own codependent behaviors. However, I am happy to say, our relationship is overall a good one.
As I’ve come into my own truth, I’ve set certain boundaries that she has learned/is learning to honor. Our new dance will be one of continued practice. My prayer is that as she continues to watch the changes in me, she’ll find her own strength to do certain things in a healthier way for herself.
Life’s turbulence once broke me into a million pieces. Yoga helped me cry, put me back together, and daily teaches me to bend, so I don’t break again.
“I am OK. I’ve always been OK. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I am already enough.”
Until Next Time,