I cannot express in words how thankful I am that yoga found me soon after depression demons almost took my life. Long gone are the days of addictive anxiety pharmaceuticals and those anti-depressants that caused more damage than good. There have been struggles, of course, but my yoga practice has been my refuge, my sanctuary. Through my practice, I have learned how to go deep within when Darkness shows up, to hear Spirit’s voice. I now enjoy time in solitude, no longer feeling isolated, and deep healing processes are allowed to unfold. Where there is Darkness, there is Light. Let yours shine!!
I wrote the following passage last night upon hearing the heartbreaking news of a local teenage boy committing suicide. I thought I’d offer it here in case that one person who needs to see should come across it.
Every day for a couple of years, I have worried that my own child would relapse into her hopeless black hole of despair. I was lucky. I saw the warning signs.
I had to experience it all for myself to be able to see clearly, which makes me extremely thankful for my experiences with depression. I had no idea back then the impact my depression had on my family, friends, and even acquaintances, but I was the same age as this precious teenage boy who took his own life when it attacked me the worst.
I do not know him, or his family. I only know of him from my daughter being somewhat knowledgeable of his presence in her friend’s life. This doesn’t make me care any less than if he were my own child. Not tonight. My heart hurts. My house is quiet. I have been in prayer. I know of nothing else to do. I can offer no comfort. All I can do is offer insight…
It’s like a vacuum, sucking you in, only to take away your joy, will, desire, and eventually your life.
It’s relentless in its efforts as it lies, steals, and cheats you of any good that you could possibly know in, of, or about yourself.
Despite the loudest music and the most crowded of noisiest places its words cannot be drowned out. No. Just the opposite. You are reminded of how alone in this world you really are. No amount of drug, alcohol or sex can make it go away. Binge eating the crappiest comfort foods around, not eating anything at all for days. That doesn’t help either.
No way. All it does is numb you up for a while, and if you are fortunate enough not to fall into addiction, it then adds to the guilt that is already eating away at your soul.
Busy-ness can distract you for a little while, but when you slow down, guess what?? There you are. Again.
Still worthless. Still unlovable. Still too fat, too ugly, too much a failure.
“You Bitch.” “You should have never been born.” “They’ll all be better off without you.” “Do them a favor and just do it already.” Day in and day out, tirelessly. And this isn’t even the worst. Not even close.
Exhaustion from not sleeping, wondering why God even bothered with you, trying to find ways to hide it all while you try to live up to what you think others expect of you, trying to convince yourself that your ok, trying to appear as perfect to others as possible with your painted on smile…
It just becomes too much. You don’t want to be a burden on others, but you know you have to do something.
There is only one thing. Nothing can save you.
So you go and do the very thing that hurts the people you love the most. You think your being selfless, but really it’s the most selfish thing of all.
Now the ones who love you are left to live without you, wondering…crying…trying to understand…missing you…
Too bad you can’t explain that you did it not because you didn’t care, but because you care too much. So much more than anyone else could ever understand.